I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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