I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
