Soap is not a condiment
I love having hate sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
