I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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