I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
