Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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