last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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