What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
