I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
