All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
