This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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