You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
