Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
