Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
