Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
