Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
