i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
why do cheetos always look like penises
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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