Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
