He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
