also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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