I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
