Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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