he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
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I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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