you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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