In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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