Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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