Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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