i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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