The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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