Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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