You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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