Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
