Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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