why didn't you poke me back
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
