I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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