her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
