I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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