What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
