I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
