on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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