could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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