Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
