He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
