yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
