Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
