I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
