My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
