I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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