My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
