her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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