It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
