my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
