There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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