People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
