I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my liver is dry heaving
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
