dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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