evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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