Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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