Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
