I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
